I don't remember the rest of the press conference.

All hell broke loose. Photographers snapping away, lights flashing in our eyes. Jerry must have called Security at some point. But for the life of me, I could never understand why.

He got what he wanted. Publicity overkill. At the expense of cheapening our love.

Well. I certainly never said that then.

You were more annoyed than I was. That shouldn't have surprised me. After all, I knew how you felt.

It was my own feelings that were the problem.

It wasn't that I didn't care. Please…tell me you didn't really believe that.

But I suddenly found myself in the awkward position of trying to protect something that I wasn't sure I could keep.

By the time we made it back to the hotel, common sense reigned again. I told myself that I couldn't make you happy. So there was no point in trying. I mean, look at how well my marriage turned out.

I know I've never been good at relationships. I wanted so desperately to be different…with you. But I didn't know if I could be.

And I was so terribly afraid that I would hurt you.

Sigh. That's the awful thing. I can never go back and change what went wrong. And maybe…maybe you wouldn't even want me to. Not now.

I was surrounded by eager, willing flesh in that hotel room, but I didn't want any of it. I no longer had to pretend to be bored. I was.

I watched you surreptitiously from beneath my eyelashes. Two naked girls ran their hands over your chest, but you pulled away from them as if their touch burned. Your eyes kept darting here and there, but they always came back to me.

You thought I didn't notice. But how could I not, when you were all that I could see?

Your pants hung low on your hips, a thin stripe of pale fur disappearing into your groin. You stepped over the little wardrobe mistress' feet and nearly stumbled because you weren't looking where you were going.

No. You were looking at *me*.

My stomach fluttered anxiously, and I quickly averted my gaze. How could you lay your feelings out in the open that way?

You cared too much, and it showed. It was like the sheen of desperation that coated your skin. Only *I* could see it. But I knew it was there.

But now I had to decide what to do about it.

You edged your way towards the door, never taking your eyes off me. I think you knew that I was watching you then. The tension between us grew so thick, even Shannon noticed.

Not that I gave a damn.

Mandy was obviously enjoying herself. She was sandwiched between two boys and a girl, and she was clearly savoring the best of both worlds.

I thought she was well and truly preoccupied. That was when I stood up and disentangled myself from the girls clinging to me. Nevertheless, I glanced guiltily in Mandy's direction, stunned to learn that she was eyeing me carefully, her overly made-up eyes huge in an unattractively pale face.

It shouldn't have made a difference. I hesitated for barely a second, and that only for old times' sake. Then I followed you through the doorway.

Christ, you were in my bed. Huddled under the covers as if you expected to be cast out at any moment.

Did you really think I was that cruel?

Don't answer that.

Your face was buried in my pillow, your shoulders hunched up and tense. I tried not to imagine what you were thinking. But it was difficult.

You loved me. But you expected to be used. Like a fucking animal. Like a whore who had no other currency to trade.

This wasn't the way I wanted you. Where was the defiant rebel who cheerfully challenged me at every turn? Where was the man who demanded my happiness, my hope…my heart?

This felt too much like sadness to me, and I couldn't bear it one minute longer. Without making a sound, I slid into bed behind you and wrapped my arms around your waist.

"Hi," I said huskily.

You tried to hide your reaction, but it was impossible. You were as aroused as I was frustrated, and I was beginning to fray around the edges.

"I thought I'd never get here."

"Me, too." I could hear the longing in your voice, and I wondered what I could possibly say that would reassure you.

"Mandy gave me this look and I—"

"I don't want to hear what she said."

"It's just—"

"I don't want to hear about your fucking wife!" you shouted.

"Okay," I said quietly. To this day, I can't imagine why I brought Mandy into our bed. She didn't belong there…and I can see now what I was too stupid to see then. You were so fucking jealous that you couldn't see straight.

And I fanned the flames.

"You don't understand," you whispered.

"Make me."

"I can't. You'll hate me."

"I won't hate you, Curt. I—"

"Don't."

"You don't know what I was going to say."

"I know."

"No, you don't."

"Stop," you sighed into the pillow and tried to inch closer to the edge of the bed.

"Why do you think I'm here?" I demanded. I was genuinely outraged. I knew what my rep was. I had no illusions left about romance. But for the first time in years, someone made me believe that it still existed. You did that. You made me think we could make this work. Then you pulled the rug out from under me.

"To fuck me," you said hoarsely.

"I guess I deserve that. The way things have been between us. But I thought—"

"What? What, Brian? You want to take this thing we've got where it's supposed to go or not?" you hissed, unable to keep the deep, unrelenting bitterness out of your voice.

"You think this is easy for me?"

"I think you don't think at all!"

"God, Curt, you missed your calling on the stage. You're such a drama queen, always turning everything into a fucking opera."

"I am? You're the one who turns everything into a fucking production number. The only reason I'm even here is because Jerry Devine thought it would be good publicity!"

"That's—"

I took too long to finish that sentence. I wanted to deny what you said. But I knew the truth when I heard it. And it hurt like hell.

"Then allow me to get my unwanted ass out of your bed!" you shouted. You made it clear that you didn't care if you woke up the others, including Mandy, and suddenly neither did I.

"Why can't you listen for once?"

"Why can't you fucking hear me?"

"Because I didn't think I needed to state the obvious, Curt! I'm in love with you!"

I couldn't believe I'd said that. I hated being vulnerable the way some people hated eating vegetables. They didn't taste that good going down, and they were hell on your digestive system when they came back up. Shit. Shit. Shit. This wasn't going the way I wanted at all. I was losing control, not that I'd had any to begin with, and I dreaded what you might say next.

"You don't have to say that—"

"Of course I don't. But—"

"I'd let you fuck me anyway," you added, and I know I shuddered.

"Jesus, Curt. I don't want to fuck you. I want to…make love to you. If you'll…let me." Pause. "Please let me."

It wasn't a lie. No matter how prettily I dressed it up, it was the fucking truth. All that need, all that desire burned a hole in my chest, and I thought I was going to be sick if I couldn't convince you of that.

I couldn't trust myself to find the right words anymore. So I kissed you. But this wasn't the practiced lovemaking that I was used to. Whatever expertise I had…it dissolved in the face of all that feeling welling up in me.

I kissed your forehead, your cheeks, even your eyelashes. I was afraid of getting lost in you, but I couldn't hold back anything. Not anymore.

"What do you want, Curt?" I whispered against your lips. I had no idea if anyone had ever asked you that before, but I wanted this to be about you *and* me.

I could be a selfish bastard later. God help us both.

"You. I want you."

I pressed my mouth to your neck and sucked till I managed to raise a fairly large welt. I've never been one to be territorial before. After all, my own marriage was an open one, and it had never bothered me that Mandy slept with other men. But suddenly I wanted to mark you, even *own* you, if only in the sense that I needed your complete and utter faithfulness.

Just as suddenly I wished that I could give you that, too. But that was one promise that I couldn't bring myself to make. Cause I knew how easy it was to break.

But that didn't stop me from demanding it of you, and you were, in the end, I think, a little too willing to give me what I wanted.

But that memory doesn't shame you. It shames *me*. And I can never take that back.

I took my time moving down the length of your body. My fingers seemed to know instinctively where you wanted to be touched, and I tickled the insides of your thighs till you arched off the bed. "Please…"

"We have all night," I whispered.

You jerked under my hands once, then stilled. Your entire body was rigid with unwelcome tension. I had no idea what I might have said…or done. Truly. Reading your mind was like negotiating an emotional minefield, fraught with unseen terrors that abruptly flung themselves out into the open.

"Are you okay?"

You shook your head, your breath seeming to catch in your throat.

"What is it? Curt?"

"I c-can't."

"Can't what?"

"Do this."

"Why?"

You closed your eyes. I was afraid then. More afraid than I've ever been since. I could feel you pulling away from me, and I couldn't bear it.

"I love you."

Surprise and more than a little relief colored my voice. "I know."

You blinked owlishly at me. "You know?"

"Well, yeah. Do you think I spend this much time coaxing everyone into bed?"

"Yes."

"You're a bloody pain in the arse, Curt. Have you ever seen me waste my time on something I didn't want to do?"

"You did the press conferences for Jerry," you pointed out.

"So I did. Do you know why?"

"Cause you wanted to sell lots and lots of records and be remembered forever?" you asked sarcastically.

I ignored that. It was true. But completely beside the point. "I wanted an excuse to kiss you." I  leaned closer, and I was mesmerized by the expression in your eyes. "I wanted things to be magical…"

"Let me be your magician, Curt."

I was inches away from kissing you when I heard you whisper, "But I don't want magic."

"Then what do you want, Curt?" I demanded indignantly.

"I want this to be real."

That…was exactly the issue that I was struggling to come to terms with. "I'm not real good at that, Curt."

"I know," you murmured. "But if you really loved me…you'd try."

"What if I hurt you?"

"What if I don't care?"

"Dammit, you should care," I snapped angrily.

"I will if you will," you dared me.

"I do," I reluctantly admitted. "Do you? Do you really?" There's nothing worse than a lovesick fool. You were too close to things to realize how vulnerable I was. But I knew, and it scared the shit out of me.

"Yeah." You grinned from ear to ear, and all I could think about was kissing you again.

"Can we make love now?"

We wrestled for position, but luckily, it was a fair fight, and it didn't really matter who won. All I cared about was pleasing you. I wasted no time getting straight to the point. I licked a path down the center of your body before swallowing you whole.

You struggled valiantly not to come right away, but I was relentless. You tangled your fingers in my hair, and I knew you were getting close. I pulled on your hips, forcing you deeper and deeper into my throat, and you began to resist. "You don't want me to—"

"Yes, I do." For once you were almost transparent to read. I deliberately let your cock fall out of my mouth with a soft wet sound and licked the tip. "Come for me," I begged in a needy whisper. I *did* need this. Nearly as much as you did.

You came with a loud groan. All over my face. You seemed embarrassed, but I've never seen anyone come that hard, that fast, and with such utter abandon.

I rubbed my cheek against the still-damp tip of your cock, and your stomach visibly rippled in response. I slid up your body and kissed you. I knew you could taste yourself on my tongue, and as impossible as it seemed, you grew hard all over again. You must have felt my cock throbbing against your groin, and that's when you realized that I hadn't come yet.

You dug your fingernails into the cheeks of my ass and I strained insistently to get some kind of a rhythm going. But I lost control when you gently circled my opening before daring to insert a wet fingertip. My whole body shivered, and I came just as hard as you did, sighing softly as you caressed my nipples with hot, sticky hands that seemed to tremble.

You shifted sleepily onto your side, and I wrapped my arms around your waist. I couldn't say the words, but they were there, in my throat, aching to be spoken. But I vowed that the next time you heard them, they wouldn't be spoken in anger or in the heat of the moment.

I pushed your long hair out of the way and buried my face against the nape of your neck. I listened while your breathing evened out and you fell asleep in my arms. For the longest time, I was content to watch you sleep, and then you turned again, this time to face me, and snuggled against my chest. I imagined that it had been a very long time since you trusted anyone enough to let down your guard and be held like this. And I was very, very glad that it was me you loved.

I wished it could last. I prayed that it would.

The sun had been up for hours when we heard the door creak open. We were lying on our sides, facing the door, your fingers fanned out possessively over my hip.

It was her. That strange Shannon. She didn't realize that we knew she was there. I didn't open my eyes all the way till she was gone. Then I turned over and pulled your arms more tightly around me before brushing your lips with mine. "We've got to go."

"Go where? When?"

"Anywhere. Now," I said, already halfway out of bed.

"Why?"

"They'll ruin it. Get dressed. Please."

"But how? They don't even kn—"

"They'll know. She'll tell them."

"But we weren't doing any—"

"I want to take you away from here. Somewhere we can be alone. Just us. Don't you want that, too?"

"Yeah, but—"

"If you love me—"

I never should have put it that way. Maybe God thought that I needed to be punished for flying too close to the sun. That was, after all, how someone's wings got singed. I often wondered what Mandy thought when she read my note. We weren't gone that long. But for as long as it lasted…

…it was heaven.