I was scared of him. I don't scare easy. When I was with Paul, I thought, well, he's a fucking drug addict, what do you expect? But I wasn't scared of him. I got pissed plenty of times. But I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not that way.

When he died...it was like there was this big fucking hole in my chest. So big I wondered how come I was still breathing. Why was I alive when he wasn't?

Why wasn't he? I didn't think I would ever know the answer to that one. Not really.

But in a way, Paul was the reason that I was here now. It wasn't his fault that he left me with nothing and no one. But that was what happened. I wanted to go to school. I always admired the fact that Paul was educated. The fact that he was also a flaming queen who was addicted to coke...well, that hardly mattered. So were a lot of people. But that didn't stop me from loving him.

I crawled into the corner of the closet and held the door closed. My fingers were starting to go numb. I don't like hiding. I've always been the type to run my mouth when I should shut the hell up. But like I said, I was scared. Of him.

The one I moved in with after Paul died. With no place to go and nowhere to live, I didn't have a hope of making a new life. I could have fallen in with bad company, people like Paul and me, but I didn't want that. I wanted something else.

Something better.

I got a scholarship to University. Why? Because I finally had something other than sex that other people wanted. I could play the guitar. Really, really well. People looked at me different. Like they admired me. Like they respected me.

That was way better than sex. I should know. I was used to selling myself. Even Paul, who I convinced myself loved me more than anyone, even he saw me as just another thing to be traded away or sold.

It was my own fault. I needed someplace to go, and Steve took me in. Took me in, and took me over. It wasn't like with Paul. Steve didn't love me. Sometimes I didn't even think he liked me very much.

He was just somebody I blew once a week to keep him off my back. That wasn't a relationship. Not like I wanted.

Things were finally starting to come together for me. I met Arthur. Arthur led me to Jack. Jack is fucking amazing.

Jack wouldn't like the idea of me hiding in some closet in fear of my life. Jack wouldn't like that much at all.

My hand was starting to slip. My arm hurt from holding onto the door. But the lock was broken, and I didn't have a choice. I wouldn't give in without a fight. No matter how scared I got.

I knew that it didn't do any good to think about the past. For the first time in my fucking life, I had a future of some sort. Something to look forward to. I didn't know if Robert was going to be part of that or not.

Or maybe I did, and I just didn't want to tell myself the truth. Why would a nice straight guy like Robert want to get hooked up with me?

I was damaged goods long before I even met Paul. I sure as hell didn't know what I was now.

I heard a noise. A door slamming. Feet running. I tried to make myself even smaller. I tried not to cry like a fucking girl.

Suddenly the doorknob was yanked out of my hand. I tumbled face forward onto the floor, almost smashing my nose in the process. All at once what seemed like a giant shadow fell across my entire body. I heard someone swear, and I started to chant, Please, God, don't let him get me, please...

"Open your eyes, Bruno," a voice commanded.

I must have been knocked out when I fell cause it didn't sound like Steve at all. I didn't want to open my eyes, but I did.

"You're not Steve!" I cried.

"No, I'm not. Are you okay?"

My brain refused to cooperate with my tongue. "Where's Steve?" Why the fuck did I ask that? I didn't want to be where Steve was. I wanted...well, what I wanted I wasn't going to get. Not in this lifetime. But I could dream.

"Steve? Oh, is that the bloke that wanted to rip your head off and piss down your neck? Was that Steve?"

"Where did he go?"

"Why? You want to join him?"

I froze. "What did you do to him? Did you...kill him?"

"No, I didn't fucking kill him. Do I look like a fucking murderer to you?"

I blinked. "Did you at least hurt him?"

My rescuer gave me an exasperated look. "No, are you fucking disappointed?"

"But how--?"

"I gave him fifty quid and told him where he could score some really good dope. He took off like a shot. All we have to do is get you out of here before he comes back."

"Where the hell did you get fifty quid?"

Robert dropped his head to his chest and mumbled, "It's my half of our development money."

"You gave that money to him?" I was aghast. I was thrilled. No one had ever sacrificed anything for me before.

He held out his hand and helped me to my feet. I wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there. But I didn't dare touch him. Especially after he said, "You're worth it," in that husky Scottish burr of his.

"Look," he said, avoiding looking at me. "We'd better go."

"But...where am I supposed to go?" I hated the way I sounded. Like I was begging him to offer me a place to stay. But suddenly that was all I wanted.

"You could always come home with me."

Oh, my God. He cut right to the chase when I least expected. "Could I?" I asked coyly, trying to clarify things in my own head.

"Aye. You could. If that's what you want."

"What are you going to want from me...if I do?"

Robert's eyes widened, and I got a real clear view of just how blue his eyes really were. "What the fuck is the matter with you? You think I'm like him? You think I want to take advantage of you? You think I want to--?"

When he stopped so abruptly, I finished his sentence for him. "You want to fuck me? I can make it good for you, Robert. All you have to do is give me a fucking place to live and something to eat once in a while, and I'll be yours for life." I could be mean when I wasn't looking to be. But the thought that Robert might not want me was something I really didn't want to accept.

"You ought to be careful, Bruno. A pretty boy like you. Making offers like that. Someone's liable to get the wrong idea."

"If someone did get the wrong impression of me, Robert, it occurs to me that maybe...it wouldn't be the wrong impression at all."

"You keep pushing me and see where it gets you!"

"I will!"

"Good!"

"Fine!"

We were nose to nose, so close our breath mingled. I could sense the exact moment when Robert realized that things weren't going quite the way he planned. He swayed on his feet and that was all the push that was necessary..

It's hard for some people to ask for what they need.

But that didn't stop me from wanting to give it to him.

"Let's get one thing straight, Bruno. If and when I decide that you're worth fucking, I'll let you know."

I slid into his arms with the ease of a lover familiar with his body's lines and curves. He felt surprisingly soft. But not all over.

So...by way of an experiment...I kissed him.

But you could have knocked me down with a feather when he kissed me back. His hands framed my face, and he held me still while he took his bloody time exploring my mouth with his tongue.

I was breathless by the time he let go of me. When he broke away, I protested. I'd never felt this wild, aching connection with another person before. Forgive me, Paul, but you never treated me like a bloody equal. To you, I was just an inept boy who was good for a laugh or two in between snorts of cocaine.

Possession. It was there in his fuck-me blue eyes, and I wanted it, like the greedy little monster that I am.

"Let's go home," he said softly.

Jesus. Someone should have warned me about falling for a sweet line like that. But it got to me like nothing else could have.

End