I woke up slowly to the feel of someone stroking the side of my face. Still too sleepy to register this as a threat, I relaxed against the fingertips that were restlessly walking across my face in a totally random progression, brushing my eyelids, my cheeks, my chin, and then finally, my lips.

"Ohhh..." I groaned. That felt good. I liked being touched. I missed that. There wasn't anyone in my life right now, and it'd been months since anyone really touched me. I must have thought I was still dreaming because my brain, the part of me that insisted on fighting these kinds of feelings, was strangely quiet.

Then suddenly the fingertips were gone, and in their place was the most sensual pair of lips I had ever felt. My eyes flew open, seeking the source of these delicious caresses. I was well and truly awake now, and I was looking straight into the baby blues that plagued me the day before.

"Good morning," he said, as if waking up with me in his face was the most natural thing in the world.

"It's you," I said dumbly. Okay, my brain was still lagging behind my body, but I figured what it didn't know wouldn't hurt it.

"Yeah," he agreed.

"Ummm..." I thought about getting up. I really did. I had classes. I couldn't just blow off the rest of my life the way I'd been doing for the past few days.

But when he kissed me again, I forgot my resolve to take things slow and sank my fingers into his hair. "Unhhhh..." He made me speechless with desire, and he wasn't touching me anywhere else.

I pulled him closer and linked my hands behind his neck. I let him kiss me till I couldn't stand anymore, and I just had to kiss him back. He opened his mouth and I slipped my tongue inside to taste him, knowing he would be even sweeter than I remembered.

He slid his hand into my shorts and grabbed my cock. I could blame the way I responded on any number of things, including the usual morning erection that most men had. But the truth was just that I wanted him and I loved him. And when he started to stroke my cock, I should've kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't. He rubbed his thumb over the slit at the tip, and I murmured his name. He liked that. So he did it again. I came so hard in his hand, I nearly passed out.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that included being discovered by Jack Fairy. But I never should've ruined it by whispering, "I love you." I didn't even realize what I'd said at first. Till I felt his hand clench around my dick way too tightly. "Hey..." I protested.

He rolled onto his back with a loud moan and covered his face with his arm. I felt his withdrawal like it was a physical thing, and I knew this was just what Jack warned me about.

"Listen, I know I shouldn't have said anything. Jack told me not to. I'm a hopeless fuck-up. You know that. I should've known I was gonna screw this up, too." I was devastated. I could feel tears pricking the backs of my eyelids, but I refused to cry. Men didn't cry. They punched walls or they drove their cars off a bridge, but they didn't fucking cry.

I threw the covers off and levered myself into a sitting position. I was wounded beyond words, and I had no one to blame but myself.

"I gotta get dressed," I managed to say hoarsely. I slid the offending boxers off my legs and wadded them into a ball. Tossing them into the hamper, I padded barefoot into the bathroom.

As far as I was concerned, I could stay in the shower all day. Once I was in there, I could pretend that it was merely water rolling down my cheeks.

*****

I love you.  Those three words echoed over and over till my head ached. Why'd he have to go and do that? Why? Things were going okay. I got feelings. Everybody's got feelings. But that don't mean that you gotta say them. Or do anything about them.

Right?

Cause once you do...you can never take that stuff back. It's out there. Forever. Fuck. We could've had a good thing going.

Now we got nothing.

No better'n Paul and me. Of course, he's dead, isn't he? That's what people do when you start to depend on them. They up and die. Or they leave you. Or they rip your fucking heart out when they tell you...they just don't love you anymore.

Robert's sweet, but he don't understand how it is. He thought he was giving me a gift...but all it was...was a curse.

I don't love him. I can't love him.

I won't.

Cause he already meant too damned much to me...and I didn't want to lose that.

I buried my face in his pillow. It smelled just like Robert. I rubbed my cheek over the spot where he laid his head. I didn't want to hear those words ever again. Words lie. So do the people saying them.

I didn't want to hear them again. Even if it broke my fucking heart.

*****

I came out of the shower and hesitantly entered the bedroom. I needn't have bothered. Bruno was gone. There was a note, written in his big, childlike scrawl, but it didn't say much. He went to class. He'd see me later...at Jack's. Shite, we had rehearsals all week long.

Looked like we'd be living in each other's pockets for sure. Whether we liked it or not.

*****

We weren't in the same classes. Bruno was majoring in Music, and that meant that most of his classes were in the new Performing Arts building. I, on the other hand, was doomed to spend my days surrounded by dusty old books and strange people who quoted even stranger poetry.

He wanted to be a musician, and in a way, he already was. But me? I was no closer to being a writer than when I first started writing my novel. The one that was never ever going to sell. The one that was "hopelessly derivative", according to the last editor who reviewed it. I had boxes full of rejection slips. But that didn't stop me from trying. Or wanting.

Come to think of it, that was sorta how I felt about Bruno. He'd rejected me, plain and simple. But I was either too hard-headed...or too stupid to take no for an answer. I had to keep going. That's the way I am.

So when lunchtime rolled around, I set out to find him. Sigh. I found Arthur instead.

Now don't get me wrong. I liked Arthur. He was in most of my classes. He was an English major, too. But he wanted to be a serious journalist. And then there was the little matter of Jack funding his college tuition. He could afford to enjoy his bloody college years.

"Hi," Arthur called, waving gaily. Now that was a word that didn't belong in the same sentence with Arthur. He was a curiously dour sort, even if he did seem to smile a great deal more now that Jack was in his life.

"Hi," I returned. "Have you seen Bruno today?"

"Why? Did you lose him again?"

"I didn't lose him the first time. Did you see him?" I couldn't help my mood. I had visions of never seeing Bruno again, and that did not sit well with me at all.

Arthur shook his head. "He'd better show up at rehearsal tonight. We already missed last night's, y'know."

This aspect of Arthur, the record producer part, fascinated me. You wouldn't expect someone as shy as him to be good at it. But he was. Damn good.

I hoped that Bruno showed. I didn't like to think what things would be like if he didn't. And not for nothing, but I really wanted to find him back home later.

*****

As it turned out, I didn't get a chance to go home before I was due at Jack's. One of my teachers had given me a special project, and she insisted that I meet with her. That was a mistake. She climbed all over me, and any other day, I might have given her a go, but not when I was missing Bruno this way. Jesus. It had to be love. I brushed off a girl for him, and a fucking professor at that.

I was late. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I knew one thing, though. The only person I wanted to see on the other side of Jack's door was Bruno. Please God.

Jack was smiling when he opened the door. "Is he here?" I asked anxiously.

Now he was frowning again. "Why wouldn't he be?"

"Never mind. I need to see him."

"Robert-"

"Not now, Jack. I need to see him."

I bolted through the door. There he was, and damned if my heart didn't stop for a moment when I saw him.

"Bruno-"

"You're late."

"I know. I got kept at the English department. Something to do with my special project."

"I bet. I can smell her on you. You should buy your girlfriend some better perfume."

"Are you jealous?" I exclaimed. "You don't need to be. You know I-"

Bruno actually turned away from me. I swear he took what was left of my heart with him. "Jack? Can we get started? We've lost a lot of time. Some people can't be depended on to show up."

Jack looked puzzled. Arthur whispered something in his ear, and Jack nodded, then glanced in my direction. What the hell was that all about?

"Bruno, I wrote a-"

Bruno shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.

"What?"

"I can't talk to you right now. I have to concentrate."

"Aye. I get that." I did. But I didn't like the way he was shutting me out now. How could we work things out if he wouldn't listen?

"I was working all day on this and-" I started again, only to be cut off one more time. "I think you'd understand if you could just listen," I whispered.

*****

Rehearsal was a nightmare. Trying to play while Robert kept looking at me with those wounded eyes. I knew what he wanted. It was a terrible pity that I couldn't be the one to give it to him, though.

Sadness was something I lived with every day. Ever since my folks threw me out. Ever since Paul died. There was a fucking pattern to my life that I didn't want to inflict on anyone. But especially not him.

Dammit, he was making me want things I couldn't have. Just when I thought I'd gotten used to doing without.

*****

"Jack!"

Jack stopped what he was doing and glanced in my direction. Finally. "What is it, Robert?"

"I've been trying to tell you," I looked apprehensively at Bruno. "I wrote a couple of songs today. Haven't had a chance to work out all the music with Bruno yet, but-"

"Can you sing them a cappella?"

"Huh?"

Bruno sighed. "Without accompaniment, Robert."

"Oh." That was a bit scary. It made me feel vulnerable in a way I hadn't anticipated. But I'd come this far. I wasn't giving up yet. "Yeah. Sure."

"This is called The Heart of the Matter."

I don't know who looked more stunned. Jack or Bruno.

"What? You didn't think I could fucking do it? You'd be surprised what I could do...if someone gives me half a chance."

"I gave you a chance!" Bruno cried out.

Again there was a great deal of surprise on Jack's face. Poor Jack. He had no real idea of what Bruno and me were going through. Not really. It was easier for him to begin with, and God knew Arthur adored him.

I wanted a crack at that. I swear I did.

"No, you didn't. You wouldn't talk to me. After. You know."

Jack's dark eyes flicked from me to Bruno and back again. "What did you two do?"

"None of your fucking business," Bruno shouted. "What do you want to know? Whether we fucked each other yet? No, not yet, Jack. Maybe not ever!"

"I suggest you keep a civil tongue in your head...and reserve the value judgments for people who know how to make them."

"You want me to quit, Jack? I can do that! I can do that easy!"

"Oh, I'm sure you can. You've had a lot of practice running, haven't you, Bruno?"

"Fuck you, Jack! Fuck all of you!" Bruno yelled, dashing the tears from his eyes.

"Stop it!" Jack stared at me as if I'd lost my mind. Maybe I had. I moved in front of Bruno, forming a human shield. It didn't matter that he'd cut me out of his life. I still wanted to protect him.

"I don't need your help, Robert!"

"Yes, you do! You fucking do, and you don't even know it! Dammit, Bruno, I know you don't want to hear this, but I love you!"

"Stop saying that!" Bruno held his hands over his ears, but I pulled his hands away as gently as I could.

"No, I won't. Not till you believe me. Not till you accept the words for what they are."

Bruno's beautiful blue eyes filled with tears. I tried not to be swayed by the pain that was crushing my heart as well as my dream. "The words are free. They don't come with a fucking commitment." My heart beat furiously. "Unless you want one."

Bruno stared at me for several moments before he wiped his nose on the sleeve of his jacket. Then he fucking left. I couldn't believe it. He didn't say a word. He didn't scream or shout or carry on. He just fucking left.

"Jack?" I thought, I should sit down, I really should. But I couldn't move. My heart wasn't broken. It was shattered, and the pieces were scattered all over Jack's living room carpet.

"Robert...maybe Arthur should go after him. Just to make sure he's all right."

"He's not all right," I wept. "He's not here."

"Arthur, go see if you can find Bruno and bring him back here-"

"No! I'll go! He's mine! Or at least he was."

"I think you told me, Robert, that Bruno doesn't trust anyone enough to belong to them."

"God, Jack. Give me that much, at least."

*****

I plunged my hands in my pockets and trudged along the street like I had a good idea where I was going. I was so upset, I couldn't stop thinking about that fucking song and Robert's face as he sang it. To me. He sang it to me. I never expected something like that.

I still couldn't believe that he told everyone that he loved me. I was so fucking used to hiding away in the lives of the people I loved. How did he get in under my radar without me noticing? How come he expected so fucking much from me when I didn't even expect that much from myself?

I was blinded by tears now. All I needed was to run into someone. The wrong someone. I would be totally fucked.

*****

"Robert," Jack addressed me so quietly, I almost didn't notice he was there. Ever since Bruno left, he and Arthur had been the souls of kindness, making me tea and seeing that I had plenty of sugar because I still looked fragile.

"I called you a cab. Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay here with us?"

"No, thanks, Jack. I appreciate the thought, though."

"I'm going to make sure you actually get in the cab, too."

"Thanks."

"Call me when you get home."

"Aye, I will."

"I mean it."

"I know."

"I still think Arthur should go with you."

I sighed. "I'll be okay, Jack."

"I worry, you know."

"Aye."

"I love you, too."

"Christ, Jack. You're going to start me up again, and we both don't want that. Trust me."

So he settled for a big hug.

*****

It was the longest taxi ride of my life. I didn't want to go home. I had half a mind to go get slagged in the local pub. But the only thing worse than getting smashed would be coming home to an empty flat afterwards. I didn't think I could survive it.

After I got home, I inserted my key into the lock, only to find that it was already open. That was wonderful. While I was out getting my heart stomped on, I was probably being robbed. I pushed the door open a bit wider and gaped at what I saw in my living room.

There...looking like the poor lost soul he was...was Bruno. I'm not even sure he knew where he was. He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

"You scared me. Leaving the door open like that."

"Did I? I don't remember."

"Aye."

An awkward silence descended upon us. I wanted to hold him, but I wasn't sure how he'd feel about that. Then he took the decision out of my hands by throwing his arms around my neck. "I missed you."

"You weren't gone all that long, Bruno."

"I missed you anyway," he said in a tone of voice reserved for telling people things he didn't much care to admit.

It was almost the same as a declaration of love, wasn't it? That's what I told myself.

"You should call Jack. He must be worried sick."

"Probably. I'm surprised you're concerned about his feelings, though, after the way you lit into him."

"Can we talk about this some other time?"

"Oh, you got better things to do now?"

"Yeah."

The little bugger kissed me.

Jack was going to have to wait a few minutes.

End